Thursday, June 4, 2015

My inner struggle

Since finding out the news that we won't be having a mini Rodney/Blake human to raise, I've had many conversations with myself.  Some, quiet, in my head.  Others out loud to Lola (really just me talking to myself...lets be serious).

I've gone through the grief process.

Step One: Denial and Isolation

Since there's no denying a test result, I had to accept the truth.  If we created a human, most likely it would have the HD gene.  But I did go through the isolation.  Literally by.myself.  My husband has been out of town during the weeks working.  So I was completely alone with my own thoughts and tears.  My parents were also out of town, (actually with my husband so he got to have them with him when we found out the results) and when I got the news, I took the day off. And the next day.  I sat at home.  Well, actually I laid in bed.  I laid in bed with my phone on speaker talking to my siblings and my best friends.  It was tough.  Real tough.

Step Two: Anger

I was so angry. I was pissed off.  I was trying to take my mind off of it, so I watched TV.  I've never seen so many pregnancy commercials in my life.  Diaper commercials.  Happy family commercials.  DUH.  And don't get on facebook.  Its full of pregnant friends.  Or friends with newborns.  I'm still mad.  I'm mad that HD exists.  I'm angry that 8/10 embryos had HD.  I'm angry that the other two had other chromosome issues.  I'm angry that the doctor told me one of those 2 was a girl. WTF. I really didn't need to know that.  I'm still angry.

Step Three: Bargaining

Its like an inner struggle in my brain that was trying to figure out how I could have prevented this outcome.  How I could have made it different.  If I had only.... then I realized it is what it is.

Step Four:  Depression

I'm not a depressed person.  I've always been a very happy go lucky girl.  If I get down, its only for a little bit.  And then I laugh, and I snap out of it.   This was hard to snap out of.  I realized that people don't want to be around a depressed person.  I know I don't.  They are total debbie downers.  And debbie downers are down right annoying.  So I tried.  But for the first time, I honestly felt depressed. I had big plans for this summer.  I was going to be pregnant.  I was going to have a baby in early 2016.  I was going to be a mom.

Step Five: Acceptance

I have accepted the outcome.  Part of me knew already.  Because the first 4 were tested and 3/4 had HD.  So part of me knew it was very possible.  The only part of this that I haven't accepted yet, is the part where I don't ever become a mom.  I still believe I will have a child.  I just have to accept it won't be my husband's biological child.  Which is ok.  We've been through all this before.  And we've come to terms with it already.  We actually were completely ok with it, and then the IVF offer came along, and we got our hopes up again.

I cry sometimes.  Not often anymore.  Mostly its just waves of emotion that all of a sudden arise and I find myself crying.  Like that video of the couple that gets makeup to look like they're 80.  When I watched that I realized that I won't be a grandma.  And I'm really good at crocheting.  So thats completely unfair.

But maybe I will become a grandma.  I mean I'm only 33.  So I could still become a mom.  Thanks to the anonymous commenter on my last post.  I do understand fully that there are still many ways of becoming a mom, getting pregnant, yada yada.  I just think I need to take some more time to figure it all out.  For now, I'm focusing on being the best Blake Alexandra Harrington this world has ever seen.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous here... So glad you read my message. I randomly came across your blog, and just felt such a strong need to encourage you to stay open. I feel your grief. It is real, and not to be dismissed. You are facing such an inner hurdle that, yes, most women do not have to jump over. And we can balk until the end of the universe about our fertility/pregnancy challenges and the unfairness of it all. Yet in the end, we need to remind ourselves of what it is we really want, and then get on about doing it. I want you to know that I have suffered infant loss on top of years of fertility issues, so believe me when I say I feel your grief. I want my babies, who were born prematurely, back so badly. I miss them so much. And some days I just don't know how to move forward and simply live my life. At times, I don't even know who I am anymore the sadness can be so overwhelming. The sense of unfairness. The impersonal cruelty of others so easily making babies and getting to take them home from the hospital. I believe that when I encourage you, I encourage myself. You need to be a mom! You will be a wonderful mom, and when you are, I will be cheering for you 100% over here in my corner of the world. Big huge hug from me to you!! <3