A few things never to say to me

1. "It'll happen".  First off, you don't know that.  So how is that even comforting or reassuring?  Plus, now that we know that IVF isn't the route we can even take again, it literally WILL NOT HAPPEN.

2.  "You don't want kids anyway.  They're sticky, needy, and just ruin your stuff."  I won't argue with those three points, because they are all very true.  But I can tell you're just trying to be cute.  And unless you want to give me your kids, like for reals, then don't say this.

Which brings me to my next one.

3. "You can have mine".  Again.  Unless you are 100% serious, and cannot take care of them anymore, or don't want to take care of them anymore, then do not say this. Because I will take your kids.  And raise them as my own. As if they arrived via vagina. My vagina. And if they're old enough to know better, then I will tell them their parents didn't want them anymore because they were too sticky, needy and ruined all of their stuff.

4. "It's just meant to be." So what you're saying is, my husband was meant to have one of the worst diseases known to man and we were meant to spend thousands of dollars to have it not work out? Thanks.

It's not that I don't believe in the world playing out just as its supposed to.  I do....to some extent.  What I believe is that we have to try our hardest to make the things we want to happen, happen in life.  We have to work hard, play hard, love hard.

How about things TO SAY to me?

1. "Life is f*cking unfair."  You can leave the f word out.  No big diff.  Here's something I can agree with, and its not going to hurt my feelings, or piss me off.  Life is very unfair.  It sucks...at times.

I will be the very first person to say my life has been amazing.  I had THE BEST childhood.  I don't know anyone with a better childhood than me.  And I'm not trying to brag.  Its just how I feel.  I would not change one part. (well maybe the bullying I dealt with as a kid, but maybe not) And from 18 on, my life has been just as great.  Married now for 11 years to my bestest friend. Have Lola Rae.  LITERALLY THE BEST DOG.

So is this where life says, "ok. enough's enough.  you need something to bring you back to earth.  you need a wrench thrown in."??

Is this where I say, I've had it all. Until now.  ???

I'm in a strange spot right now.  I'm feeling like the world is purposefully trying to piss me off.  Like where did all the diaper commercials come from? And all my friends are posting pics of their kids. Like, all of them.  And they won't stop having kids either.  They just keep procreating.  And their kids keep doing/saying cute things to rub it in my face.

Obviously the last paragraph is a complete Debbie Downer moment, but if they're posting all these "Like if you have the best daughter" pictures, and recital pics, and funny kid quotes; then why can't I post what's going on in my life?

Did you see that video of the couple that aged with makeup and then they revealed how they would look?  I did, and immediately started crying at the thought of me never being a grandma.  I actually wrote on a friends post but erased it.  Because.  Because no one wants to read some sob story/negative and/or vague comment.   And the ones that do, are just FB stalkers and want to know every detail of friends of friends' lives. Thats just how facebook works.  People get unfriended over comments.  And believe me.  It's not about the "friendship" because I could probably do without 1/2 of the "friends" I currently have on FB.

It's about showing your flaws.  Showing your vulnerability.  Sharing your flaws.  Sharing your vulnerabilities.  Sharing with the world that you failed.  You failed at procreation.  Something that the crack head on Bridge Street seems to be very successful at numerous times.  Not to say she is less deserving of a child than me.  That is not where I'm going with that.  Its just very hard to see filthy, shoe-less kids walking with their obviously-on-drugs mom down the street when you're struggling to even have one.

The point I'm really trying to get across, is this.  I want to talk about it with you.  I really do.  But I don't want it to be in the form of positive cliches.  Lets just tell it like it is.  That's what won't hurt my feelings.  If you don't know what to say, then say exactly that.  Lets just agree that life does not always go according to your plan, no matter how much you've willed it to happen.  Let's agree that life is still great, beautiful in its own strange way.  Let's agree that our friendship is important enough to always support one another in a very real way.

I always want to say this:  If you've said one of the 4 things that's on the never list, I'm not mad.  It just irritates me inside because I don't agree with those statements, and they sounded comforting in your mind, but in my mind it was like nails down a chalk board. I still love you and value our friendship.  I've been there.....when its hard to know what to say.  I just want it to be out there and educate people on what I personally would rather hear.  Sometimes its just best to not say anything, or just simply say, I love you.

33 years

My 33rd birthday is May 28th.  

My mother was 33 when she had me.  Growing up, she would always say that 33 was the perfect age to have kids.  She felt the most ready.  I'm her 4th, so that could also have something to do with it :)

As my 33rd year approached, I thought, "wow.  I'm going to be a mom at 33. It was meant to be."

Now it just makes me cry to think about it.  I won't be a mom at 33.  I might never be a mom.  I probably won't be a mom. I won't ever be pregnant.  I won't ever breastfeed.  I won't ever know what it's like to see yourself in a child.  See the same nose, or eyes, or pass down my left handedness.

I'm throwing myself a party.  A pity party.  A party of one.  You probably wouldn't know the hurt inside of me by looking at me, or talking to me.  I'm a pretty positive, outgoing person, who likes to please others.  And no one wants to talk or hang out with a crying, depressed person who is only thinking about one thing.

So, maybe for my birthday, I'll just throw myself a bigger pity party, and invite some of you to join in.  Wow.  That sounds like fun. Not.

Your Journey Ends Here

I'm not trying to sound irrational after bad news is given, but we're done.

We're done with IVF now, and we're done thinking about having little "1/2 Blake, 1/2 Rodney" babies.

And not for a lack of trying.  You've heard people go through many many rounds of IVF until they have a baby in their arms.  Well, I got specific words from the doctor that said IVF is not the route we should be using in this quest to parenthood.  Due to the crazy bad odds we are up against, its just not the logical route anymore.  We tried.  We tried hard.  But when you're up against odds like we are, it just does not make sense.

So, for right now, we are done.

It sucks, but I have a feeling that our lives are about to change.  :)

Thanks everyone for their wonderful thoughts/prayers/good vibes.  I felt them.  I really did.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, like a baby shower or a pregnancy announcement can be a tough day for people going through infertility. And for me, the day has its moments of sadness, but I try not to make it about me.  Because after all, I'm not a mother.  I haven't sacrificed my "me" time, fed from my boob, stressed over a sick kid in the middle of the night, and all the other things a mom does that I don't realize, because I'm not a mother.

But I desperately want to be.

My mom wasn't in town this Sunday, so we spent Saturday lunch with her instead.  That left Sunday to do whatever we wanted.  Since my hubs has been working out of town during the week, I let him choose.  So we golfed 18 holes at Quail Ridge.  As we were driving there, I said to him, "I hope I'm a mother next Mother's Day" and he perfectly said, "You will be."

The waiting game

I've been patiently waiting the results since they were sent to the lab last Wednesday........and now my patience is running real real thin.

I emailed the fertility clinic yesterday morning, just in case they didn't know I was waiting :)

They did.