My inner struggle

Since finding out the news that we won't be having a mini Rodney/Blake human to raise, I've had many conversations with myself.  Some, quiet, in my head.  Others out loud to Lola (really just me talking to myself...lets be serious).

I've gone through the grief process.

Step One: Denial and Isolation

Since there's no denying a test result, I had to accept the truth.  If we created a human, most likely it would have the HD gene.  But I did go through the isolation.  Literally by.myself.  My husband has been out of town during the weeks working.  So I was completely alone with my own thoughts and tears.  My parents were also out of town, (actually with my husband so he got to have them with him when we found out the results) and when I got the news, I took the day off. And the next day.  I sat at home.  Well, actually I laid in bed.  I laid in bed with my phone on speaker talking to my siblings and my best friends.  It was tough.  Real tough.

Step Two: Anger

I was so angry. I was pissed off.  I was trying to take my mind off of it, so I watched TV.  I've never seen so many pregnancy commercials in my life.  Diaper commercials.  Happy family commercials.  DUH.  And don't get on facebook.  Its full of pregnant friends.  Or friends with newborns.  I'm still mad.  I'm mad that HD exists.  I'm angry that 8/10 embryos had HD.  I'm angry that the other two had other chromosome issues.  I'm angry that the doctor told me one of those 2 was a girl. WTF. I really didn't need to know that.  I'm still angry.

Step Three: Bargaining

Its like an inner struggle in my brain that was trying to figure out how I could have prevented this outcome.  How I could have made it different.  If I had only.... then I realized it is what it is.

Step Four:  Depression

I'm not a depressed person.  I've always been a very happy go lucky girl.  If I get down, its only for a little bit.  And then I laugh, and I snap out of it.   This was hard to snap out of.  I realized that people don't want to be around a depressed person.  I know I don't.  They are total debbie downers.  And debbie downers are down right annoying.  So I tried.  But for the first time, I honestly felt depressed. I had big plans for this summer.  I was going to be pregnant.  I was going to have a baby in early 2016.  I was going to be a mom.

Step Five: Acceptance

I have accepted the outcome.  Part of me knew already.  Because the first 4 were tested and 3/4 had HD.  So part of me knew it was very possible.  The only part of this that I haven't accepted yet, is the part where I don't ever become a mom.  I still believe I will have a child.  I just have to accept it won't be my husband's biological child.  Which is ok.  We've been through all this before.  And we've come to terms with it already.  We actually were completely ok with it, and then the IVF offer came along, and we got our hopes up again.

I cry sometimes.  Not often anymore.  Mostly its just waves of emotion that all of a sudden arise and I find myself crying.  Like that video of the couple that gets makeup to look like they're 80.  When I watched that I realized that I won't be a grandma.  And I'm really good at crocheting.  So thats completely unfair.

But maybe I will become a grandma.  I mean I'm only 33.  So I could still become a mom.  Thanks to the anonymous commenter on my last post.  I do understand fully that there are still many ways of becoming a mom, getting pregnant, yada yada.  I just think I need to take some more time to figure it all out.  For now, I'm focusing on being the best Blake Alexandra Harrington this world has ever seen.

A few things never to say to me

1. "It'll happen".  First off, you don't know that.  So how is that even comforting or reassuring?  Plus, now that we know that IVF isn't the route we can even take again, it literally WILL NOT HAPPEN.

2.  "You don't want kids anyway.  They're sticky, needy, and just ruin your stuff."  I won't argue with those three points, because they are all very true.  But I can tell you're just trying to be cute.  And unless you want to give me your kids, like for reals, then don't say this.

Which brings me to my next one.

3. "You can have mine".  Again.  Unless you are 100% serious, and cannot take care of them anymore, or don't want to take care of them anymore, then do not say this. Because I will take your kids.  And raise them as my own. As if they arrived via vagina. My vagina. And if they're old enough to know better, then I will tell them their parents didn't want them anymore because they were too sticky, needy and ruined all of their stuff.

4. "It's just meant to be." So what you're saying is, my husband was meant to have one of the worst diseases known to man and we were meant to spend thousands of dollars to have it not work out? Thanks.

It's not that I don't believe in the world playing out just as its supposed to.  I do....to some extent.  What I believe is that we have to try our hardest to make the things we want to happen, happen in life.  We have to work hard, play hard, love hard.

How about things TO SAY to me?

1. "Life is f*cking unfair."  You can leave the f word out.  No big diff.  Here's something I can agree with, and its not going to hurt my feelings, or piss me off.  Life is very unfair.  It sucks...at times.

I will be the very first person to say my life has been amazing.  I had THE BEST childhood.  I don't know anyone with a better childhood than me.  And I'm not trying to brag.  Its just how I feel.  I would not change one part. (well maybe the bullying I dealt with as a kid, but maybe not) And from 18 on, my life has been just as great.  Married now for 11 years to my bestest friend. Have Lola Rae.  LITERALLY THE BEST DOG.

So is this where life says, "ok. enough's enough.  you need something to bring you back to earth.  you need a wrench thrown in."??

Is this where I say, I've had it all. Until now.  ???

I'm in a strange spot right now.  I'm feeling like the world is purposefully trying to piss me off.  Like where did all the diaper commercials come from? And all my friends are posting pics of their kids. Like, all of them.  And they won't stop having kids either.  They just keep procreating.  And their kids keep doing/saying cute things to rub it in my face.

Obviously the last paragraph is a complete Debbie Downer moment, but if they're posting all these "Like if you have the best daughter" pictures, and recital pics, and funny kid quotes; then why can't I post what's going on in my life?

Did you see that video of the couple that aged with makeup and then they revealed how they would look?  I did, and immediately started crying at the thought of me never being a grandma.  I actually wrote on a friends post but erased it.  Because.  Because no one wants to read some sob story/negative and/or vague comment.   And the ones that do, are just FB stalkers and want to know every detail of friends of friends' lives. Thats just how facebook works.  People get unfriended over comments.  And believe me.  It's not about the "friendship" because I could probably do without 1/2 of the "friends" I currently have on FB.

It's about showing your flaws.  Showing your vulnerability.  Sharing your flaws.  Sharing your vulnerabilities.  Sharing with the world that you failed.  You failed at procreation.  Something that the crack head on Bridge Street seems to be very successful at numerous times.  Not to say she is less deserving of a child than me.  That is not where I'm going with that.  Its just very hard to see filthy, shoe-less kids walking with their obviously-on-drugs mom down the street when you're struggling to even have one.

The point I'm really trying to get across, is this.  I want to talk about it with you.  I really do.  But I don't want it to be in the form of positive cliches.  Lets just tell it like it is.  That's what won't hurt my feelings.  If you don't know what to say, then say exactly that.  Lets just agree that life does not always go according to your plan, no matter how much you've willed it to happen.  Let's agree that life is still great, beautiful in its own strange way.  Let's agree that our friendship is important enough to always support one another in a very real way.

I always want to say this:  If you've said one of the 4 things that's on the never list, I'm not mad.  It just irritates me inside because I don't agree with those statements, and they sounded comforting in your mind, but in my mind it was like nails down a chalk board. I still love you and value our friendship.  I've been there.....when its hard to know what to say.  I just want it to be out there and educate people on what I personally would rather hear.  Sometimes its just best to not say anything, or just simply say, I love you.

33 years

My 33rd birthday is May 28th.  

My mother was 33 when she had me.  Growing up, she would always say that 33 was the perfect age to have kids.  She felt the most ready.  I'm her 4th, so that could also have something to do with it :)

As my 33rd year approached, I thought, "wow.  I'm going to be a mom at 33. It was meant to be."

Now it just makes me cry to think about it.  I won't be a mom at 33.  I might never be a mom.  I probably won't be a mom. I won't ever be pregnant.  I won't ever breastfeed.  I won't ever know what it's like to see yourself in a child.  See the same nose, or eyes, or pass down my left handedness.

I'm throwing myself a party.  A pity party.  A party of one.  You probably wouldn't know the hurt inside of me by looking at me, or talking to me.  I'm a pretty positive, outgoing person, who likes to please others.  And no one wants to talk or hang out with a crying, depressed person who is only thinking about one thing.

So, maybe for my birthday, I'll just throw myself a bigger pity party, and invite some of you to join in.  Wow.  That sounds like fun. Not.

Your Journey Ends Here

I'm not trying to sound irrational after bad news is given, but we're done.

We're done with IVF now, and we're done thinking about having little "1/2 Blake, 1/2 Rodney" babies.

And not for a lack of trying.  You've heard people go through many many rounds of IVF until they have a baby in their arms.  Well, I got specific words from the doctor that said IVF is not the route we should be using in this quest to parenthood.  Due to the crazy bad odds we are up against, its just not the logical route anymore.  We tried.  We tried hard.  But when you're up against odds like we are, it just does not make sense.

So, for right now, we are done.

It sucks, but I have a feeling that our lives are about to change.  :)

Thanks everyone for their wonderful thoughts/prayers/good vibes.  I felt them.  I really did.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day, like a baby shower or a pregnancy announcement can be a tough day for people going through infertility. And for me, the day has its moments of sadness, but I try not to make it about me.  Because after all, I'm not a mother.  I haven't sacrificed my "me" time, fed from my boob, stressed over a sick kid in the middle of the night, and all the other things a mom does that I don't realize, because I'm not a mother.

But I desperately want to be.

My mom wasn't in town this Sunday, so we spent Saturday lunch with her instead.  That left Sunday to do whatever we wanted.  Since my hubs has been working out of town during the week, I let him choose.  So we golfed 18 holes at Quail Ridge.  As we were driving there, I said to him, "I hope I'm a mother next Mother's Day" and he perfectly said, "You will be."

The waiting game

I've been patiently waiting the results since they were sent to the lab last Wednesday........and now my patience is running real real thin.

I emailed the fertility clinic yesterday morning, just in case they didn't know I was waiting :)

They did.

The gamble of life

Lets just get to the latest news.

12 eggs were retrieved.  10 fertilized.  Thats amazing news.

We have to wait until Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning for the exact total that made it through to day 5 and then they'll send whatever made it to the lab for HD testing.

We were thrilled to have 12.  Thrilled to have 10 fertilize.  And then yesterday when I got the news, I had to wait all afternoon to tell Rodney, and when I did, he was super thrilled.

After talking to my older sister Betsey and giving her the breakdown of how our week went in Vegas, she said I have the perfect makings for a short story.  About going to Vegas to make a baby, and how its a complete gamble.  People go to Vegas to gamble every single day of the year.  And we just spent another week there gambling to create a family.

Its so true.  We have a 50/50 chance of each embryo having HD.   I know Vegas odds are not normally in your favor, but there are winners.  I heard the machines pinging out loud.  I saw people winning at the craps table.  It does happen.  And hopefully we will be a part of the "lucky ones".

IVF Cycle #2 Has Begun

We went camping this last weekend.  It was cold, windy, and rainy.  Normally the three things you don't want when you're camping.  Friday was really nice weather.  Saturday was nice, then crappy, then windy, then semi-nice, then rainy....

Let me rewind a bit.  Every April, a group of my friends goes camping.  Pretty much because we're excited for summer to be here, but also to get all the camping gear out to check what's missing, what's not working, etc.  So we don't go very far.  The regular spot for this annual trip is on the river on your way to Granite Rock, which is only about 10 minutes from my house.

I was super excited about Saturday evening, because that's when I start round #2 of injections.  This time around, I'm not nervous at all, because I know what to expect.  Only problem was, that since we were camping, I had to try and make it into as clean of an environment as possible.

This is what it looks like:

It's a total mess. There is so much garbage after each shot, it's crazy. 

So I'm on 250iu of Gonal-F, which is a pen that has a preset amount of meds in it (900iu) and you dial how much you want to dose out at a time.  We call it the epi-pen. There's the pen, and then a package with a needle in it that gets discarded each time. I'm also on 75iu of Menopur.  In the picture, its the two little vials in the center of the pic.  One is the Menopur powder, and the other is a solution that gets mixed into it.  So you take this q-cap and put it on the end of the syringe and you suck up the solution, then push that solution into the powder vial.  Then you suck the new solution into the syringe and take off the q-cap and replace it with the needle end.  There's the gauze and the alcohol pads as well.  And everything is individually packaged.  And that's where you get all the garbage from.  It's quite the process every night.  The only thing I don't like about the entire process is the Menopur burn as its being pushed into me. The Gonal-F doesn't burn, and luckily both needles are very very small.  Rodney gives me these shots each night in my thigh.  Sometimes if the needle goes through a vein, it will result in a bruise, but so far this round we've only done that once.  

I didn't take any photos of my human friends :( but I did get a few of my furry peeps.  Here's Goldie.  She's a slobber-face who snorts like a pig when she breathes and sleeps.  What a girl. 

Here's Lola Rae and her boyfriend Blaze (in the background). Oh I guess I did get a pic of my friends.  There's Carly's feet. You can see the river in the background. 

Back to Round #2.

I'm happy, excited and hopeful, because at this moment, things are going as planned.  I started taking double the meds that I was on last time, hoping for double the amount of eggs.  That's how it works, right?  I'm trying to stay super positive that this will all work out perfectly.  Because for some people it does just that.  For others, multiple IVF cycles have come and gone, and there's still no baby.  I'm going to stay hopeful that I will be one of the ones that has a successful IVF cycle.

Last cycle would have, could have been successful.  But because we are doing this to specifically not have a baby with Huntington's, we cannot put those embryos back inside me.  All I can do, is hope and pray for a better outcome this round.

I found this picture yesterday and I after the conversation the hubs and I had, I really feel like this is what's its all about.  Good things ARE going to happen.  Even if this cycle isn't successful, I'm still positive about our lives and where they are headed.

Baby Showers

Baby Showers used to affect me pretty bad.  I would still go, because I was genuinely happy for my girlfriends, but I remember sitting at them completely distracted by my own selfish feelings.  It's not something I'm proud of, and I don't think anyone even knew that I was feeling that way, except maybe my mom.  I remember one time that she was watching my face at a baby shower, and she said she could read sadness on my face.  I thought I was playing the supportive friend well, but apparently not.  I do have resting bitch face syndrome, so it very well could have just been that. :)

It hurts when the world is moving fast around you and you feel stuck in one place.  Like those dreams where you are trying to run and you feet feel like cement bricks.  It hurts when there's little you can do to change that.   It hurts when you see growing bellies become babies and then turn into more bellies and babies and then even more bellies and babies.  I've seen friends have their 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th kids.  And here I was, wanting one.  When I was little, I used to say I wanted 4.  And I would still love to have multiple kids, but I'm not sure how that's going to happen.  I'm still young, according to my mom and my dr.  But at 33 (which I will turn in May), my mom was having her 4th child (me!) and I can't help but think if I was her right now, I'd be pregnant with the most perfect baby to ever walk the earth. HAHA. just kidding. I crack myself up.

My life was obviously not supposed to go the same route as my mom.  It's not supposed to go the same route as anyone.  That's the beautiful and scary and exciting thing about "life".  You don't know what lies ahead.  But I have hopes and dreams.  And wants and needs.  And what I hope for, is to always be happy and content in whatever I'm doing.  My dream is to give birth.  My wants are to have a family and my need is to be a mom.  See, I understand that I may never give birth.  But right now, on the road I'm on, that's the goal.

I hope to someday have a baby shower in my honor.  To be the one holding up tiny clothes hearing the rest of the group say "cute" 10,000 times.

Range of Emotions

Have you ever been mad, glad, sad, happy, scared and nervous all within 20 minutes?  And no, I'm currently not on any IVF meds besides my birth control pills (which I'm going to say is not the reason this time).

I found out that the four embryos we were freezing until after my next egg retrieval were mistakenly tested for HD and other chromosomal abnormalities. (mad)

I also found out that 3 of the 4 did indeed have the HD mutation, and that 4th didn't, but had some abnormality. (sad)

I learned that since it was not our mistake, that the lab would still honor us the full 8 that we've already paid for when we do this process all over again. (happy)

We've paid for 8 (and if there's more retrieved, we will be gladly paying for those as well), and now know that 4 of the 8 we would have been sending are not going to work out, so we can send a fresh batch. (glad)

What if since 3/4 had HD, that the next round of 8 or more will have the same results? (scared)

Will we have enough money to make it through this whole process?  (nervous) We've only gone 1/4 way, and we are back to square one.  I want to say there's 4 major steps (there's actually way more).  1st step: Egg retrieval (which involves 1 month of birth control pills, then 3 weeks of nightly injections, multiple blood draws and ultrasounds, and the surgery where they knock me out cold to retrieve the eggs). 2nd step: Waiting for those eggs to make it to the blastocyst stage and be sent to the lab to be tested for HD (which could really be counted as multiple steps) and get results on how many we get to have transferred. 3rd step: FET (frozen embryo transfer) where they transfer those perfect embryos inside me.  4th step: Having those embryos (because if I can, I will transfer more than 1) actually result in a pregnancy.  And I guess another good argument would be that there's always step 5: going all the way to giving birth to a healthy baby and step 6: raising that healthy baby to age 18 and then sending them off into the world.

On top of those emotions, I literally slept 1.75 hours that night.  I ended up waking up feeling like a crazy mentally unstable person.  I could not go to work and sit there and use my brain like a normal person.  So I took a personal day to sleep, relax and go through the Sonic drive thru to get a Cherry Lime Diet Dr Pepper drink.  The girl at the window was in love with Lola and ended up giving her 2 treats.  She said she had a border collie too, named Buddy, and wanted me to know that was short for Budweiser.  If I wasn't still distracted from my emotions, I would have told her that we had a Miller named after the Champagne of Beers.

I woke up today thankful for the wonderful life that I currently have with a great husband and amazing dog.  I jumped out of bed at 4:30am to make my hubs a sandwich for work, picked up Lola and pulled her back in bed with me.  She was sharing my pillow and, I kid you not, snuggling with me with her front leg around me and her nose in the crook of my neck.  She fell asleep and I wanted to stay in that moment forever, but decided to go rack up some steps on my fitbit and watch Parenthood from the beginning, because that.show. Its the second time around and I love it just the same.  It's so good.  I cannot wait to be a parent.  I just hope my kid likes to snuggle as much as my dog.

Only 4

Four have survived and will sit and wait for me to make more so we can send them all at once to be tested. And after talking to the dr, we've decided to not send those 4 to be tested since I've paid for 8, and we'll do another round of meds and egg retrieval and send those plus the 4 that are now frozen and waiting patiently.

Back from Vegas

Long story short:  I had my polyp removed at the same time as egg retrieval.  I had 7 eggs retrieved, and although that wasn't as high of a number as I was hoping for, they called yesterday and said that 6 had fertilized!!!  So happy about that.  Now we wait until they are all tested for HD and then I go back to Vegas for them to implant the HD free ones!!

Vegas Baby, YEAH

We arrived at midnight on a Friday night.  My brother and his daughter picked us up and they were just as excited as we were!  The next morning I had an ultrasound and blood work to determine how far along my follicles were developed.  We enjoyed the weekend with my brother and family eating amazing food and hanging out with them. The next week, we went back to the drs about every other day for an ultrasound and more blood work.  They determined that my egg retrieval would not be until the following Monday.  It was projected at first to be on Friday, and this is why we only bought one way tickets, because we didn't know exactly when we'd be flying back.

On the days when I didn't have any appointments, Rodney and I used our phone's GPS to explore the big city.  We often wondered how people did this before GPS.  They got very frustrated, thats how, and the probably didn't get to see everything they planned on seeing.   We walked the strip and in and out of various casinos, ate some seriously strange yet amazing food, walked Lola, played the Xbox Kinect, and just enjoyed each other.  Oh, and went through the nightly injections that we were becoming pros at.  I was injection two a night until the end and then it was three.  At the end of that week, I was starting to feel super sore in my lower ab area, like I had done 8-minute-abs four times a day. Its because those eggs were getting bigger.  Then on Saturday before the retrieval, I took my trigger shot and was ready for Monday's retrieval.

I was very nervous.  Nervous of being put under.  I hadn't been since I had my wisdom teeth out at 19, and I couldn't really remember what it was like.  But thats just it.  You have no memory.  When I woke up, I was still, obviously, groggy and they wheeled me back into the room where Rodney was waiting for me and this was the dialogue:

Me to nurse:  "Can you get me my glasses?"
<nurse goes and finds my glasses and hands them to me>

1 minute later-

Me to Rodney:  "That was sure nice of them to put my glasses on me"
Rodney: "They didn't.  You just asked her to go get them"

Me: "I didn't dream"
Rodney smiled.

Me: "They had me in crazy stirrups"
Rodney smiled.

1 minute later-

Me: "I didn't dream"
Rodney: "You just said that"

Me: "They had me is these crazy stirrups"
Rodney: "You just said that too"

Embryonic Process

Who knew the good news of 6 out of 7 eggs fertilized would soon turn into possible bad news?

Not this girl.  Why?  Because I'm naive, and don't know the entire IVF/PGD process. Well, now I know more.

So I got a call yesterday from the lab that is watching my little 6 embryos grow and they said that there's still 6. Which is great news.  But she said that if only 4 or less make it to Sat or Sunday (the end of the process where the become blastocyts) then I will have to do egg retrieval all over again. Grrrreat.  I knew there were going to be bumps in the road, and there certainly have already been bumps. And polyps. Well, only one thankfully.  And its been removed.  

So now we wait a couple more days until we find out if all 6 survive.  I really really hope and pray they do.

First injections - DONE

I was excited about the day that I started injections.  Not to be poked with needles and strange meds, but the fact that it meant I was really close to all the IVF procedures.....and my trip to Vegas.  So, I watched the training videos probably 4 times each and felt pretty prepared.  But I'm not the one doing the shots.  Rodney is.  So when I got home last night, I reminded him that it was time and that we should watch the videos.

Let me first say that Rodney thought this was going to be a cake walk.  He thought there was nothing to it, but while he was watching the videos, it became real to him that there was more to it and that it was happening. Now.  He actually said, "Do we have to do these tonight?  Can they wait until tomorrow?"  LOL. Um. no. They cannot.

So we watched both videos, one for Menopur and Gonal-F and then went over to the kitchen table.  We decided we needed the videos again, so I brought the laptop over and we watched them again as we were mixing the Menopur and using the Q-cap and all that good stuff.  We fist bumped after the Menopur shot.  Then was the Gonal-F which I was calling the epi-pen, because thats kinda what it reminds me of.  The medication is already in it, and you just click the pen to how much meds you need and then you simply push the end of the pen and hold for 5 seconds.  They both burned a bit.  But I will say the needles were not as big as I thought they were going to be.  Both needles were pretty small! Like around and length.

We fist bumped again and kissed and said that from here on out, it would be easier.  This morning I've had a headache, and I'm pretty sure that its from the shots, because I never have headaches and I didn't do anything differently than I normally do in the mornings.  I'm drinking water and taking my vitamins.

We leave tomorrow at 6:55pm and I'm so excited.  I'm excited to be in Vegas with my brother, who is the coolest bro ever, and I'm excited about the fact that I'm taking my dog.  I'm excited about meeting the Dr.  I'm excited about hanging out with Rodney for a bit while we can just relax and have all this done.

IVF with PGD for HD

When you're lucky enough to be able to get pregnant naturally, you get to experience and have thoughts such as:

"Am I late? Nah, trusty ol' Aunt Flo will be here soon"
"Ok. I'm late. I should probably go buy a test, but just one of those ones from the dollar store will suffice"
"Wow. Its positive!  Now, how should I surprise my husband with this amazing news?"

Even if you are planning pregnancy, you still get to experience the miracle of it just happening and then soon enough you go to the dr and they confirm it, then soon enough you go to an ultrasound, and miraculously a baby is somehow inside your body growing.

I've always wondered what thats like, and I unfortunately I won't ever experience that.  I've had almost a full decade to deal with it, so I'm good now.  But it was hard and still is sometimes.

We went through many years of wondering how this family was going to come about.  We tried IUI with sperm donors, and thought about fostering and adopting.  We just knew that we couldn't naturally create human life with HD hanging over us.  Sure, we had moments and months were we said, "Let's just try and hope that our kid won't have HD" and luckily we didn't get pregnant those months.  Because now we have this amazing opportunity ahead.  And its all taking place in under 30 days.

I'm so freakin excited.  I know there's a lot ahead of us that has the odds against us.

Here's the breakdown:

We've paid the PGD lab to test 8 embryos for HD and for any other chromosomal abnormalities.  And each additional one we send is more, but we've paid for 8.
Because HD is 50/50 with each embryo, we're looking at 4 without HD.
Of those 4, there's a 45% of some other chromosomal abnormality.
So, we're looking at 2 embryos that are healthy and are able to be transferred back into me.
And the chances of those 2 (cause you better believe that if there's 2, I'm putting both in) taking are not 100%.  I would still be on meds to help those embryos stay put and grow.

But we are going to take our chances.  Life has a crazy way of presenting different paths and opportunities and fear is a big reason a lot of people don't go down certain paths.  I know if this round doesn't work, I will want to go for another try.  But I also have a super positive outlook that is allowing me to think its all going to work.

We will be flying to Vegas to have this all done in 11 days.  I've had this phrase going through my head these past few days.

"Vegas Baby, Yeah" (in Austin Power's voice)

Thy Will Be Done

I'm almost done with my birth control pills.  I've set an alarm on my phone to go off at 7:30AM every day, and I've been able to remember to take them with that. Thank goodness.  Cause I can't remember to take my prenatal every day?  Doesn't make sense. Other than the fact that my prenatal makes me sick, so I have to take it with a lot of food.  So at the end of the birth control pills, you have to skip the row of white pills, when you would normally be starting your period, and you go right into the next pack for one week.  I remember when I was first married, I tried this, so I wouldn't have my period at a certain time.  It messed up my cycle bad, and didn't really work.  Aunt Flo still came.  So I'm wondering if the same will happen this time around.

After I'm done with the pills, I go in for an ultrasound and more blood tests.  I start the injections and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about them.  I've read a ton of blogs and articles and they bring bloating, soreness, mood swing, and more.  I guess Rodney should be the nervous one. :)  He's going to be the one to give me these shots.

We've worked it out so that our out of pocket expense for the meds won't be the $4242.98 that was originally told to me.  Thank the dear Lord.  We applied for a Compassionate Care program that is going to be giving us 50% off.   Where there's a will, there's a way.

A few times in the last year or two a thought goes through my mind.  "Thy Will Be Done"

I'm not super religious.  I don't pray every night, and I don't go to church.  But this phrase keeps going through my mind.  I can exercise, not drink caffeine, take my prenatal vitamins, eat healthy, yada yada yada and so on.  But ultimately, Thy Will Be Done.  Its not all in my hands, or even the dr's hands.  Its His Will that is to be.  His Will is what is going to happen.  And as much as that makes me crazy because I want to be in complete control of this outcome, there's no way thats possible.  There's nothing I can do to change His Will.  When I do find myself praying,  I always remember to repeat that as if I'm reminding myself that there's no reason to stress and worry.

Thy Will Be Done.

One Way Ticket to Vegas to Get Knocked Up

I love the title of this post.  Its 100% true.  How many people seriously say that?  How many people does that accidentally happen to?  Maybe more people with a round-trip ticket, but not me!

We've booked our flight.  And get this.  It leaves straight out of Lewiston.  How amazing is that?  AND it was cheaper than flying out of Pasco or Spokane, which are both 2+ hours away.  So, no parking the car, no leaving 3.5+ hours ahead of time.  We live literally 6 minutes away from the airport.  I'm so excited.  We leave on February 20.  So exactly 30 days from today.

I've started the birth control pills. Sounds kind of strange, doesn't it?  But there's a reason, obviously.  Taking them helps the ovaries respond better to the stimulation medication.  It also allows flexibility in coordinating my cycle, so the procedure can be planned better, time wise.

A couple weeks ago, I got a call from the pharmacy that was going to be sending me all my injectables.  Because after I take the BC pills for one month, I start the injections in my booty.  Yay. No, not really excited about that part.  Anyways, I got this call, and the asked me for my insurance info and then said it was going to be $4242.98.

SAY WHAAAA???

Yeah, I didn't give them my credit card info.  That would almost completely deplete my savings account, and the savings account was for traveling expenses, and other costs that I wasn't sure about from now until the procedure was done.  Yes, I was thinking the meds would be expensive, but I seriously had no idea they were that much.  So, I filled out a Compassionate Care form from the doctor, and am just waiting to see if I get approved and for how much of a discount.  Fingers crossed.  We've already gone through so much, and I really didn't expect that amount.

This whole process has been full of ups and downs and surprises.  Its getting close and I'm just so excited now that I have the flight purchased and am taking the BC pills.  I'm also taking a prenatal, because the folic acid can help with any chromosomal abnormalities that may arise.

Tests

On Monday, Dec 22nd, I went in to Valley Med at 7:30 to get blood drawn.  I had no idea what kind of day it was going to be.  I get there, pay over $500 (luckily I have an HSA with money in the acct!) up front, and then go get one vial of blood drawn.  They tell me I'm done. So I go back to work.  As soon as I walk in the door at work, my phone rings and its VMC.  I have to come back, because they didn't draw all the blood they needed.  Which I kinda saw coming, because the order from the dr was pretty long.  So I get there, and they looked at my arm that had just been drawn from, and decided it was too soon to use that arm again, so they took blood from the right arm.  After 4 vials, my arm was bruising.  So they had to stop, and let me know that I needed to come back later that day.  I went back around 4pm and they looked at both arms and didn't know what to do.  So they tried lefty again, and only got 1 more vial.  I had about 6 left.  So they took it from my hand.  I felt so drained of iron.  I had a headache and was just done.

The next day was my scheduled Sonohystogram.  Long story short, I couldn't do it that day, due to the day of my cycle that I was on (and they were the ones to tell ME what day I needed it) so I rescheduled it for Friday, December 26th.  The day after Christmas.  I was alone this time.  They found something.  Just like the last time I had an ultrasound, there was a polyp or tissue that needed to be removed.  That was a major bummer.  I felt discouraged again.  Like there was just one more obstacle that I had in front of me.  I cried a few tears, and then moved on.  Knowing things were going to be alright.

Because they push liquid up inside your body, there's always a risk for infection, and I started to see signs of infection, so I was put on an antibiotic, which meant that for NYE, I couldn't drink anything, and I also didn't feel well enough to go to a friends house and party.  That was ok though.  Rodney and I kissed at 9PM ( we rang in pretending we were New Yorkers) and then went to bed.  Woohoo!

The next weekend we went to McCall with friends and I felt great.  I knew it was probably one of the only times I would be able to go snowboarding so I soaked it up.  We had a great time.

When I got back, I decided it was time to get as healthy as I could be.  I started doing the Whole30 plan, which is basically no dairy, no sugar, and no breads. Oh and no alcohol, because duh, sugar. I also started walking/running on my new treadmill.  After almost 2 weeks of that, I was feeling amazing.  Whole30 is about whole foods.  Nothing processed, and a lot of label reading.  Nothing that has ingredients you cannot pronounce.

We ended up going to McCall again on the weekend of the 17th.  I did kind of stray from the Whole30, but did try.  I just wasn't going to be that person in a huge group that didn't eat what was served for the whole group. I know, this sounds like a totally lame excuse, but here's my other rationalization:  I'm going to be not drinking for over 9 months (hopefully!) and I will be eating extremely healthy as well, so why not have a tiny itsy bitsy bit of fun while I have the opportunity.  So I did.  I drank a little bit of alcohol, and had a couple pieces of bread. So sue me!