Wednesday, May 20, 2015

33 years

My 33rd birthday is May 28th.  

My mother was 33 when she had me.  Growing up, she would always say that 33 was the perfect age to have kids.  She felt the most ready.  I'm her 4th, so that could also have something to do with it :)

As my 33rd year approached, I thought, "wow.  I'm going to be a mom at 33. It was meant to be."

Now it just makes me cry to think about it.  I won't be a mom at 33.  I might never be a mom.  I probably won't be a mom. I won't ever be pregnant.  I won't ever breastfeed.  I won't ever know what it's like to see yourself in a child.  See the same nose, or eyes, or pass down my left handedness.

I'm throwing myself a party.  A pity party.  A party of one.  You probably wouldn't know the hurt inside of me by looking at me, or talking to me.  I'm a pretty positive, outgoing person, who likes to please others.  And no one wants to talk or hang out with a crying, depressed person who is only thinking about one thing.

So, maybe for my birthday, I'll just throw myself a bigger pity party, and invite some of you to join in.  Wow.  That sounds like fun. Not.

1 comment:

  1. Embryo donation! You can be pregnant and give birth to a child and breastfeed. Yes, you can! All you have to do is get over your attachment to individual genetics, which are less than 1% specific to you. 99% of our genetic makeup is freaking identical to the rest of the planet regardless of ethnic background. Tons of own egg/sperm kids are born to parents who look nothing alike. Let go of that attachment to your egg/his sperm, and YES, you CAN have what you desire! Over 500,000 unused frozen embryos in the United States today—go get some! If your value is parenting—frigin' do it. So yeah, it's sad that we can't just have a quick and free roll in the hay and produce a child easy-peasy. Grieve it. Then muster the courage live your REAL dream that never had anything to do with genetics in the first place! -another person on the path