Baby Showers used to affect me pretty bad. I would still go, because I was genuinely happy for my girlfriends, but I remember sitting at them completely distracted by my own selfish feelings. It's not something I'm proud of, and I don't think anyone even knew that I was feeling that way, except maybe my mom. I remember one time that she was watching my face at a baby shower, and she said she could read sadness on my face. I thought I was playing the supportive friend well, but apparently not. I do have resting bitch face syndrome, so it very well could have just been that. :)
It hurts when the world is moving fast around you and you feel stuck in one place. Like those dreams where you are trying to run and you feet feel like cement bricks. It hurts when there's little you can do to change that. It hurts when you see growing bellies become babies and then turn into more bellies and babies and then even more bellies and babies. I've seen friends have their 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th kids. And here I was, wanting one. When I was little, I used to say I wanted 4. And I would still love to have multiple kids, but I'm not sure how that's going to happen. I'm still young, according to my mom and my dr. But at 33 (which I will turn in May), my mom was having her 4th child (me!) and I can't help but think if I was her right now, I'd be pregnant with the most perfect baby to ever walk the earth. HAHA. just kidding. I crack myself up.
My life was obviously not supposed to go the same route as my mom. It's not supposed to go the same route as anyone. That's the beautiful and scary and exciting thing about "life". You don't know what lies ahead. But I have hopes and dreams. And wants and needs. And what I hope for, is to always be happy and content in whatever I'm doing. My dream is to give birth. My wants are to have a family and my need is to be a mom. See, I understand that I may never give birth. But right now, on the road I'm on, that's the goal.
I hope to someday have a baby shower in my honor. To be the one holding up tiny clothes hearing the rest of the group say "cute" 10,000 times.