Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Range of Emotions

Have you ever been mad, glad, sad, happy, scared and nervous all within 20 minutes?  And no, I'm currently not on any IVF meds besides my birth control pills (which I'm going to say is not the reason this time).

I found out that the four embryos we were freezing until after my next egg retrieval were mistakenly tested for HD and other chromosomal abnormalities. (mad)

I also found out that 3 of the 4 did indeed have the HD mutation, and that 4th didn't, but had some abnormality. (sad)

I learned that since it was not our mistake, that the lab would still honor us the full 8 that we've already paid for when we do this process all over again. (happy)

We've paid for 8 (and if there's more retrieved, we will be gladly paying for those as well), and now know that 4 of the 8 we would have been sending are not going to work out, so we can send a fresh batch. (glad)

What if since 3/4 had HD, that the next round of 8 or more will have the same results? (scared)

Will we have enough money to make it through this whole process?  (nervous) We've only gone 1/4 way, and we are back to square one.  I want to say there's 4 major steps (there's actually way more).  1st step: Egg retrieval (which involves 1 month of birth control pills, then 3 weeks of nightly injections, multiple blood draws and ultrasounds, and the surgery where they knock me out cold to retrieve the eggs). 2nd step: Waiting for those eggs to make it to the blastocyst stage and be sent to the lab to be tested for HD (which could really be counted as multiple steps) and get results on how many we get to have transferred. 3rd step: FET (frozen embryo transfer) where they transfer those perfect embryos inside me.  4th step: Having those embryos (because if I can, I will transfer more than 1) actually result in a pregnancy.  And I guess another good argument would be that there's always step 5: going all the way to giving birth to a healthy baby and step 6: raising that healthy baby to age 18 and then sending them off into the world.

On top of those emotions, I literally slept 1.75 hours that night.  I ended up waking up feeling like a crazy mentally unstable person.  I could not go to work and sit there and use my brain like a normal person.  So I took a personal day to sleep, relax and go through the Sonic drive thru to get a Cherry Lime Diet Dr Pepper drink.  The girl at the window was in love with Lola and ended up giving her 2 treats.  She said she had a border collie too, named Buddy, and wanted me to know that was short for Budweiser.  If I wasn't still distracted from my emotions, I would have told her that we had a Miller named after the Champagne of Beers.

I woke up today thankful for the wonderful life that I currently have with a great husband and amazing dog.  I jumped out of bed at 4:30am to make my hubs a sandwich for work, picked up Lola and pulled her back in bed with me.  She was sharing my pillow and, I kid you not, snuggling with me with her front leg around me and her nose in the crook of my neck.  She fell asleep and I wanted to stay in that moment forever, but decided to go rack up some steps on my fitbit and watch Parenthood from the beginning, because Its the second time around and I love it just the same.  It's so good.  I cannot wait to be a parent.  I just hope my kid likes to snuggle as much as my dog.

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